I'd like some constructive criticism please. It's part of a writing course I'm doing.
Thanks
Answers:
It needs tightening up--too many extraneous details for a short story. A short story is a sprint. You have to be fast off of the blocks, every word, sentience and paragraph need to move you towards the finish line.
This reads more like the first chapter of a novel, which is a long distance run where you get off quickly, but settle into a pace that is designed as much to save energy for later as for forward motion.
Short story or novel, each sentence has to give the reader a reason to read the next one or they will stop and put it down. It's like fishing,"any fish'll bite if you got good bait," as the old blues song goes. Ask yourself, what's the bait? If there isn't any, make some. Then reel them in.
The first thing I suggest is to tell the story in the present tense. Combined with the first person narration, it will bring a sense of immediacy to the tone. Get that phone ringing more quickly and make the first jangle slam the message into your protagonist's head, "Error! Error! Error!" Move toward that finish line with every step.
Next get rid of all colons and semi-colons. They have no place in a fast-paced short story--they only slow it down. Either replace them with double dashes or begin a new sentence.
Now read it aloud. You have two things going on here, two scenes: a play within a play. The first is the physical scene, the outer world. The phone ringing, the friend haranguing, the brother's infuriating singing, etc. The second is the internal dialogue. Each has it's own separate language and tone, its own voice. Mixing them is like putting ketchup on your ice cream.
After getting rid of the chaff and separating the scenes, look for cliches that you can replace with more interesting phrases. Make your analogies consistent--the creeping sun might insinuate or intrude rather than beg, for example.
Remember, the essence of writing is rewriting, editing, tightening up the prose, even working on the poetic values of each word, phrase, and sentence so that it carries the right mood and tone--urgency or repose, anxiety or complacency.
The way that you end a short story is key to its success. There are many approaches depending on how you want to leave your audience. You can leave them on the edge of their chairs or pleasantly bemused, celebrating your protagonist's good fortune with her or jealous and contemptuous. It's up to you. Decide and write your end to produce that reaction.
Dont Matter
It seems unfinished, but it had good writing on the beginning
I liked it. It was really cute. The only problem with it is that the writing style tends to switch back and forth. In the beginning you write with the slang of a 17 year old, and then you start to sound a little technical. I'm not saying that 17 year olds don't use big words or use perfect grammar, but in a story, you need to either use one or the other. If you want to keep the stuffy words, then the the girl needs to talk that way. But if you want to keep her speech kind of slangy, then her narration needs to be slangy, too. I hope that makes sense.
Pretty darn good! But(constructive crit), at 11am shouldn't the sun be screaming rather than creeping(no matter how thick the drape)? And time goes by very fast. Hope this helps and best of luck!
cute story
made me feel like a teen again
it does read a little too much like a journal entry
but you crafted the story well
it begins, develops and concludes
my main thought, though
i wish you could have seen the chili pepper's
in 1998 for $8
in a club for 100 people
(it was awesome!)
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