Under current law, homosexual men and woman are prohibited from serving in the United States military. This anti-gay policy has caused the discharging of countless number of military key personal and millions of tax payers dollars. Despite, polls showing the growing acceptance of allowing gays within the military, this policy called Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is still on the books.
Answers:
hello.. i read your thesis paragraph.. it's ok.. however, i have some suggestions in order to make you paragraph better.
1. since you used men, which is in plural form, you should change woman to women.
2. use "serving the United States military", instead of "serving in the..."
3.personnel, instead of personal.
4. " taxpayers' ", instead of tax payers.
5. use "despite the fact that there are polls showing the growing acceptance of allowing homosexuals in the military..."
6. use " this policy called "Don't Ask Don't Tell" is still in the books. "
7. use "Under the current law,...."
8. dont use the term "gay".. use homosexual, its more formal and pleasing.
9. remove the word "key" from military key personnel
10. use "millions from the taxpayers' dollars"
i hope that this answer of mine will be helpful.
i think it's really good. just put personell and IN the books not ON. nice...
The problem with it is a thesis is supposed to provide a point that you argue for the rest of the paper - something like "Don't Ask Don't Tell is an outdated policy that is hurting the state of our military" or whatever. As written, you've just provided facts - which don't get me wrong, facts are great things to put in your paper, you just want to use them later to argue your thesis.
Your friend,
bigferribunny
Under current law, homosexual men and womEn are prohibited from serving in the United States military. This anti-gay policy has caused the dischargE of countless numberS of key military personNEL and millions of tax payers' dollars. Despite polls showing A growing acceptance FOR allowing gays IN the military, thE policy called 'Don’t Ask Don’t Tell' is still on the books.
Wow, your English is VERY poor. Do you have a learning handicap like dyslexia or something? Anyhow, I corrected your many mistakes. Is this a university project? How did you get to university with such a poor command of the language?
I do not like the begining sentence. I think you need a better hook line. Is this the first paragraph of your paper? If so sum up your outline's body then give me a single thesis statement in one sentence
Homosexual men and woman are currently prohibited from serving in the United states Military.
This anti-gay policy has caused the discharging of countless military key personal. It has also affected millions of tax payer's dollars. ( Discribe here how it has affected the tax payer's)
Dispite polls showing the growing acceptance of allowing homosexuals in the military, the policy of Don't Ask Don't Tell is still on the books.
I changed the flow of it. payers is....payer's. took out the coma after dispite.
Hope that helps, Neenu
Here you go..,.
Homosexual men and women are prohibited from serving in the United States military, thus causing the discharge of countless key military personnel and wasting millions in taxes.Even with growing acceptance of allowing gays to join the military, the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy is still on the books.
Now.... did you actually research the part about costing millions ?... and the 'DA, DT' policy gives implicit consent to be in the military as long as you don't flame.
It looks as if you want to argue for a change in our military's stance on homosexuality. If that's the case, the second sentence would be a good topic sentence for one of the paragraphs in the body (the argument) of your paper.
Your opening paragraph could go something like this:
Under current law homosexual men and women are prohibited from serving in the United States military. However, there are many homosexuals presently serving in the military, albeit silently. In essence, if a military personnel does not express his homosexuality, the military chooses to look the other way and continues to utilize that person's service. Despite polls showing the growing acceptance of allowing gays into the military, this policy of Don't Ask Don't Tell is still the set standard regarding homosexuality. It is an ambiguous arrangement, and it has its costs.
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