She talks ever which way
This thang is plum whompered-jawed
I'm between the devil and the deep blue sea
He was slobbering over that gal like a new born calf
You won't learn that any farther up the creek
Answers:
Dodge City, Kansas
Circa 1876
Festus was off fishin' with his cousin, Levi Jeansmith. They had found themselves a great spot by the Green Gulch River and were having themselves a good old time.
Levi:" THIS THANG IS PLUM WHOMPERED-JAWED, Festus. Why, the mouth of this here fish reminds me of my first wife......wide opened and nothing much to say!!" He laughed so hard that he accidentally dropped the fish back in the water.
Festus: "Levi, you old scutter, you got a heap of learning to do, boy. Don't you know nuthin'? Let me set you straight on something I learned a coon's age ago........Women always have their jaws a' flappin. They may not know what they're talkin' about, but them jaws keep right on a' flappin'. And YOU WON'T LEARN THAT ANY FARTHER UP THE CREEK, so listen up now!!" Levi laughed like a mule who had just looked in the mirror!!
An hour passed. Then two hours. They were about to head on back to Dodge when a wagon stopped near them. The lady in the wagon yelled out:" I'M BETWEEN THE DEVIL AND THE DEEP BLUE SEA, ain't I? I mean, this here water IS the Specific Ocean, ain't it?" The man sitting next to her couldn't stop kissing the woman. (They were on their honeymoon.)
Festus thought to himself....."HE WAS SLOBBERING OVER THAT GAL LIKE A NEW BORN CALF. Don't he know it ain't polite to do that in public?!" The woman spoke again:" This here is my dearly betrothed. HE'S AS POOR AS JOB'S TURKEY, but he's a great kisser!" The man smiled and looked at Festus and Levi......."SHE TALKS EVER WHICH WAY, now don't she!! Yes sir, my woman always has her mouth open and I'm always a' listen' to her. You can learn alot from a woman, you know."
After they rode off, Levi turned to Festus....." I thought you done told me that women never know what they're talkin' about!"
Festus:"Oh, hush up. Why....Don't you see?! She must be one of them book-learned gals. Don't you know there's an exception to every rule?........You numbskull!!"
She talks ever which way. The other day she told me "This thang is plum whompered-jawed and you won't learn that any farther up the creek."
I replied, "Look, i'm between the devil and the deep blue sea, and he's as poor as Job's Turkey."
Meanwhile, her boyfriend, well, he was slobbering over that gal like a new born calf.
As the two old ladies sat on their porch, sipping on long island iced teas, they began to gossip. Mabel, always concerned with the latest happenings in Boon town, made an observation about a married postman by the name of Mr. Brown and the new, rather pretty schoolteacher Miss Quigley.
"Mr. Brown, he was slobbering over that gal like a new born calf."
"He'll never get that girl to go out with him, he's as poor as Job's turkey." Edith chimed in.
A strong summer breeze blew onto the porch, nearly knocking Mabel's hat over, and she had to steady it with her hand as she squinted to keep the dust out of her eyes.
Soon the conversation turned towards Edith's finances. It was well known in Boon town that the Edith Wallace had run out of money and would soon be trying to extort it from anybody she could.
"Edith, what will you do with yourself?" Mabel inquired.
"I'm between the devil and the deep blue sea. Ever since my husband passed, I've been trying to find a solution but this thang is plum whompered-jawed."
She talks ever which way, as if the matter is of fleeting importance and takes a sip of her beverage.
"You need to learn how to make money Edith, and truth be told, you won't learn that any farther up the creek." Mabel cautioned.
"Why this thang is plum whompered-jawed! Who'd ever wanna pay money fer it?", Maybell smirked as she plunked down the old rifle.
"But you jes gotta buy it, my pa is sickly and he's as poor as Job's turkey." Billy Bob sobbed and cried.
Maybell's pa came out of the house when he heard all the fuss.
"Whatsa matter, Billy Bob?"
"Maybell called this here gun whompered-jawed, and it ain't. I jes kilt a possum las' night with it!" Billy Bob whined. "She's done put my whol' family in trouble. Right now, I 'm between the devil and the deep blue sea if-fin' I don't sell this gun."
"Now, now, Billy Bob," sighed Maybell's pa. "You know she talks ever which way. A woman gots to have her say before she makes enny shoppin' decision. When she calls it 'whomper-jawed' act as if it means something real special. Nod yer head, say"yessum".and wink.
"Tha's it?"
"Tha's it. Now give it try."
Billy Bob looked at Maybell real close. He was slobbering over that gal like a new born calf.
"Maybell," Billy Bob cooed. "This here gun is so "whomper-jawed" that it can shoot off a squirrel's tail, twist it around its neck and hang it before hits him between the eyes."
"Ohhhh, Billly Bob, yore just being so romantic." swooned Maybell. "I'm gonna give everythin' I got and more..."
"Well, I'll be..." Billy Bob looked over at her pa as Maybell took him by the arm. "Thanks!"
"You won't learn that any farther up the creek neither." her pa winked as they kissed.
Old Say Can You See
By the Dawn's Early Light
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